sneaking not blinking...

I can't catch a break today... I woke up feeling AWESOME, but then it went to shit... funny how it happens really I did well I had breakfast bland oatmeal with milk I NEEDED a dairy hit, I get days like that, I had it all counted out and the house was quiet so i could weigh my portion to make sure the calculations were on target, that all went well and i was full up. I know my limits and had planned to keep it at just oatmeal til dinner, then I could have a high protein dinner ready to kill off some major cals and kickstart a  loss. but I am being watched VERY CLOSELY i was forced to eat lunch so i scrambled for a less than 100cal meal that looked like a lot... instead i got served an incredibly good smelling nasty calorie laden meal... i felt so sick just looking at it but my traitorous stomach grumbled and my mouth decided it wanted to start salivating... i tried the cut and push around method and the not very hungry due to a large breakfast etc but i had to eat it... all of it... i did a quick calculation making my calories consumed by lunchtime 1069!!!!!!!!! FML!!!!!!!!! that leaves me with 131 for dinner all the way til i go to bed at like 3am.... maybe I can find me a less than 100cal soup for dinner and beef it up with neg cal ingredients.... SHIT!!! this will not do at all!!!!!!!!!!! how can i be worthy of Ana's love if i cant even control my intake, i feel like a gluttonous pig... I tried to burn off as much as i can doing extra strenuous cleaning running up and down stairs to the laundry, doing washing cleaning the kitty box out, then dragged my ultra heavy kirby around up and down the stairs vacuuming them, all that did was make people more suspicious ULTRA FUCK!!!!! maybe I can convince my man tonight that we need a little adventure.... go out rock climbing or something, i have shit body strength so i know i will burn the cals fast struggling with my lard arse up and down a rock wall.... I WILL DO IT... i just need to sneak a little and do things when others eyes are closed.... after all go to bed tonight i can get an hr and a half of cardio in... i don't know if my body can handle it though... I'm so out of tune and I need to do it right this time I can't end up in hospital again.... Please Ana give me strength and courae... i'm boderline binge mood right now... SHIT... must resist urge to stuff face coz I physically cant have playdates with Mia never have been able to, should do a lemon detox cleanse... drop a few seriously nasty toxic kilos.... off to pick lemons... that gets me a few more cals in the bank right :P